Here’s what you can expect from Madam Vice President’s OF.
The Harris Walz campaign is DESPERATE for funding, and we’re not just talking about a few bucks for a Facebook ad or two. We’re talking hundreds of millions of dollars to run ads in battleground states like Pennsylvania, where Elon “Skippin’ Like a Dipshit” Musk is dumping dark gothic MAGA bucks left and right.
So, what’s a middle class gal to do?
Get on OnlyFans, obviously! For $47, you’ll get access to premium content from Team Harris-Walz never before seen on social media, including:
- Custom audio of Kamala’s REAL laugh (not that fake one she uses in speeches)
- Tim Walz reaction videos to every episode of Bluey
- Doug Emhoff kissing Kamala on the forehead, while whispering sweet nothings about the importance of funding the arts
- AOC showing Kamala how to set up her tip menu on OnlyFans, complete with a step-by-step guide on how to take the perfect red lipstick selfie for maximum tips
- A video of Kamala leading a ” relaxation meditation” session, but it’s just her sitting in silence for 10 minutes, occasionally whispering “I’m with the government, and I’m here to help”
- A live stream of Doug Emhoff playing the harmonica for 2 hours straight while Ella paints requests from the audience
- A live streamed “Q&A” session where Kamala answers questions from subscribers
And, as a special bonus, anyone who joins today will get Tim Walz’s famous hot dish recipe ABSOLUTELY FREE! That’s right, folks – no more scrolling through 1,000 words of boring stories to get to the tater tots. If Tim doesn’t become VP, he’s got a bright future as a food blogger on OnlyFans.
But wait, there’s more! Renew your subscription until Inauguration Day (just $100 extra) for a personalized phone call from Kamala herself, where she’ll ask you for more money and pretend to listen to your concerns about the economy. Also? You’ll get a free “Not Aspiring to be Humble” T-shirt from the TikTok shop.
If you’ve already voted and you’re still having election anxiety, join Kamala’s OnlyFans. Your subscription will help win battleground states…or at least help Madam VP make ends meet after January 20th.